Hello everyone, if you’ve visited my blog in the past, you probably know that I like to write about topics such as spirituality, mental struggles, and growth. And if you haven’t I greet you wholeheartedly.
In the few posts that I’ve written, I talked a lot about my spiritual growth and how this came about, so if you’re interested in reading those stories or want to enjoy a little refresher feel free to check them out here. Usually, these posts were very long, and I would work on them for about a week or two. I intend to change this from now on and instead want to focus on writing more posts regularly.
There are a couple of reasons for that and all of them have to do with being paralyzed by insecurity. Insecurity has been a general theme in my life which I recently decided to take head-on. It was also the primary reason I stopped writing at the time. I was feeling overwhelmed and was very insecure about myself. This is furthermore why my posts were so long because I was being too perfectionistic about it.
“Insecurity kills all that is beautiful.”
~Demi Lovato
At the time that I was posting on my blog, I was sober and talked about my previous relationship with weed. Regrettably, after that summer I completely relapsed into my old habits. Three months after I smoked my first joint that year I was back to smoking daily. Alongside it enforced even deeper feelings of regret, shame, and insecurity. But why was I feeling so insecure in the first place?
Looking back at it now, I remember being extremely ambitious at the time. My girlfriend (now fiancee) and I just got together, and I was ready to start my dream life. At least I thought I was.
I never really addressed the problem of insecurity. I was just trying to fake it ‘til I made it, which can be an effective strategy from time to time. But it can get difficult if insecurity is so deeply rooted in your survival strategy.
You might be wondering what I was so insecure about. At the time it was many things. First of all, I had no idea where my career was going. I never completed a study and was worried that if my newly found girlfriend were to see my inability to become successful the relationship wouldn’t last. As a result, I tried extra hard to become a person of significance. And over the past 2 years, I’ve started and quit multiple entrepreneurial endeavors.
So as you can see the problem I was trying to avoid led me to my failures. Fortunately for me though, my girlfriend was very understanding of the situation. She loves me no matter what person I become.
“Only the insecure strive for security.”
~Wayne Dyer
Not long ago, I quit weed again and this time I made it a very conscious undertaking. I made sure to have people to talk to and aid me through the entire process. I wrote daily in my diary to make sure I never forget why I quit and which things triggered me to smoke weed. I’ll write about this more in-depth in the upcoming posts.
As I’ve been focussing on my insecurity issues it occurred to me that I’ve had troubles dealing with this my entire life. This is also presumably the main reason I never finished a study, and in more recent times didn’t manage to succeed as an entrepreneur. Every time the going got tough I felt overwhelmed and instead of breaking through this resistance I just grabbed the first thing that distracted me from this uneasy feeling. Most of the time, this was weed, but another one of my favorite distraction tools was gaming.
Over the years it has come to grow on me that this is indeed the case. I am distracting myself whenever I feel overwhelmed and need to stop doing it and start working on the things that I see myself doing in the future. The problem has been that all of this primarily happens unconsciously. And so without even thinking about it, I would already be smoking a joint or have started up a video game.
One of my favorite things to tell myself was that I just genuinely liked doing these things. The underlying frustration that came from that I simply redirected onto other things or people.
For example:
‘Why are my teammates so bad at this game?’
‘Why aren’t people just nice to each other?’
There was always a way to redirect my frustrations in some way, while in reality I was frustrated with myself for not pushing through the resistance I felt. It’s been this way for a very long time. When I was a teenager I would do the same thing.
“Sometimes our thoughts are backed by so much insecurity that they create lies we believe.”
There are probably hundreds of approaches to fixing this problem. Chances are likely that I’ve read or have known about all of them for a while now. Which in a way further developed the issues I was dealing with. I call this Paralysis By Overanalysis. Simply put, I’d rather engage in learning about how to deal with the problem than deal with the actual problem.
This, in turn, would result in feeling even more insecure, because every time I learned a new solution another thing was added to the List Of Things I Need To Do, But Can’t For Some Reason.
This is also why being addicted to something is so incredibly dangerous because whatever reasoning I had to engage in the addiction stemmed from some kind of negative emotion. The interaction is always cyclical. In the very same way, the solutions I might find can be cyclical.
Anyone outside of the same addiction pattern would simply tell me to quit. And this is the only real solution to any addiction. The result of quitting brought up that negative emotion I had been avoiding for years now, insecurity.
Aside from writing about it and putting my insecurities on paper for everyone to read, I meditate on it every morning. I sit down and let myself get into a deep trance state. After I reach the state of being completely relaxed, I bring up this feeling of insecurity and observe it as if it wasn’t me. Then I acknowledge to myself that this is the feeling I want to overcome and that I desire to be free from it.
So far it felt like I’ve made huge progress in this. My insecurities do still arise, and I certainly have a long way to go, but working on it actively has unleashed a bunch of energy within me. I can now work on my career without feeling like a failure. I started working on art with a passion I’ve never felt before and have rekindled with the beauty of writing. These are just the first steps and I’m excited to keep working towards the life that I dream about.
“It’s only when you get beyond the emotion of fear and move into the unknown -despite the fear- that you turn your fear into passion and courage.”
~Dr. Joe Dispenza
Thank you for reading this post, and I hope that you enjoyed reading it. If there’s anything you recognized about yourself or want to share with me, feel free to leave a comment. As I said earlier I’m making it a goal to post regularly. Some of the upcoming topics I want to write about are motivation, quitting weed, and meditation. On top, I am going to make an extra section on the blog to share my art.
Make sure to sign up your email to the email list or follow me on social media to get the latest updates.
Renting a scooter in Bali was the best decision we couldve made. We were able to see some interesting local life and experience so much of the culture by driving around on a scooter.
The Balinese can weave through traffic by the skin of their teeth and appear completely calm about it. I was surprised to see minimal dents on the cars and didnt witness any car accidents. We did however come close to getting in an accident ourselves a couple times and was actually ran into by another scooter. We were stopped, waiting to turn when she tried passing us on the inside just as we began to turn. Good thing it was just a scooter and no one was hurt!
Theyre reckless drivers, but its almost safer here than driving in the U.S. because here they expect everyone else to drive just as recklessly. For one thing the driving speeds are higher in the U.S., but also people there drive with short tempers. As crazy as either are with driving neither can compare to the driving chaos in India, HOLY COW.
As fun as it was cruising on two wheels, it was a bit difficult when the monsoon storms would hit. When we arrived in Ubud it rained throughout most the day. We were eating under a canopy in the garden at the Warung Bakan Bu Rus when the rain went from heavy downpour to thick curtains of water. Once it let up temporarily we took advantage of the window to visit the Ubud Palace nearby.
After stopping at a grocery store it started to come down again. We felt like locals as I juggled navigating from the GPS on Pablos phone, to holding grocery bags and keeping the 6 liter jug of water between our bodies on the bike. Im sure locals would say theres still room for one more on there!
Bali had rice terraces everywhere and as an outsider not used to seeing them they looked so cool. We went to the Tegalalang rice terrace, which a lot tourists go to. As a result of this its turned into a tourist trap of sorts. When we parked and walked into the town a local came up from a booth and said I had to pay a ticket for entering the town. Hopping back on the scooter, we drove to the other side of the area and walked in for free instead.
Other locals were charging tourists to enter the rice fields, which of course was a ruse. Along the rice terrace tracks there were booths set up to collect donation fees from tourists. The donation could be however much you want, but was required in order to walk along the terraces. If you want to avoid these tourist traps I recommend visiting one of many other rice terraces (such as the Jatiluwih), theyre hard to miss! (Also, theres no need to book a tour).
We took the fastest route to Ulun Danu Beratan Temple and found out it wasnt worth trying (and failing) to save 10 minutes. The route was straight up the mountain and our little scooter couldnt take it. As it was losing speed significantly I got off and began hiking. 10 minutes later I caught up to pablo who was beside the scooter pushing it and lightly laying on the gas. We continued this for another 10 minutes until we reached the top. Luckily it was downhill after that and the scooter eventually came to life again.
I feel like Im scaring you away from riding a scooter I promise it really was fun and worth it! After our unexpected hike we were able to visit the Ulun Danu Beratan Temple, which was amazing. The timing seemed perfect actually because we ran right into friends wed made at church and had lunch together! The Transparent Travelers have been traveling with their kids and have a great story that you should check out! Its so cool to see how things happen for a reason, and as the Transparent Travelers put it, the thorns in travel (and life) can lead to roses.
The international license is required while driving through Bali and you can face a fine for not having one. We however did not get an international license. After talking with the locals we learned that even if you have an international license it wouldnt stop the police from targeting you as a tourist. Theyd find some reason for pulling you over and it usually ends in a bribe either way.
It seemed to us as a matter of luck whether wed get pulled over or not. We decided to keep a few bills tucked away in one of our pockets specifically meant for a bribe. That way we could pull out the designated bills and explain that was all we had instead of giving up all our cash on the spot.
Bali Gate
All things considered it was worth the risks to us for the adventure. Just be aware of the risks yourself and go with your gut.
On average weve had bad experiences with taking taxis while traveling. Too many experiences of a crooked driver charging us more than what the meter says or the original agreed price. Taxi drivers arent all bad though, weve had good experiences. Usually taxis cost more though and there are now cheaper options out there for transportation.
In Bali there are Grab drivers, just like Uber and Lyft in the U.S. I recommend using grab while youre in Bali but know the precautions. There are areas where there is what the locals call taxi mafia. There are signs that ban the grab drivers from picking up there. If the grab drivers are seen in those areas picking up the taxi drivers will keep track of them. Its not as scary as it sounds, but just be aware of the area youre in when being picked up.
Our experience of riding around on a scooter was a lot of fun, but if you dont feel comfortable driving a motorbike/scooter at home than you shouldnt drive one here. You dont have to miss out on the adventure of exploring Balis secret nooks though, you can hire a driver (you may be able to haggle a better price when you get there too). Its the best way to see the hidden parts of Bali that will make your trip better!
Have you ridden a scooter in a country besides your own?
The vaunted 'SKWALA HATCH' is nearly upon us! It's very exciting. I put together a Podcast talking about the ins/outs of this annual event and that's a good place to start. I also included a few photos of the bug, and a link to flies here as well.
Skwala Stonefly Patterns
Artticle - Top Ten Tips for Skwala Stonefly Hatches
This is a BIG Skwala. They can be as large as a typical #8 dry fly as adults!
The Skwala sits LOW and FLAT! They rarely flutter and flap when on the water and are a "quiet" bug. They camoflauge well and are very drab in color.
The nymphs are a light olive color. Not quite Gold but definately more olive than brown or black so choose your nymphs wisely.
This is one of our favorite patterns if not the Best Skwala Stonefly Dry Fly of all time. It just gets bit. Straight up BIT.
The "Bitteroot" style Skwala dry fly pattern is a historical killer.
The belly of the beast!
I’m a chaplain. Every so often I change a picture outside my office to a different inspirational quote for people passing by to read. As I was looking for a quote to post this morning I came across this one.
I’m not jumping on the bandwagon of folks lately who, for whatever reasons (right or wrong) have turned on Lecrae. I have seen some things on this young man that make me worry for him, but I don’t know him personally, and I don’t listen to his music enough to make any certain conclusions. I don’t know for certain if he even made the statement someone put on this meme. Update (four years after this devotional was first posted)- it seems Lecrae has sadly now gone off the deep end.
What concerns me is the proposition itself. I know it didn’t come from Lecrae, but I’ve heard it many times from a lot of different people and places. As far as I know, the statement is as old as the seventeenth century French philosopher/physicist/mathematician/theologian Blaise Pascal. It’s often referred to as the “Pascalian Wager”. The basic idea behind the wager carried on through many today is that if you just give assent to the idea that there is a God, and maybe apply that idea a little to your life that you’ll be glad you did when you die because you’ll be in heaven instead of hell. In other words, assume there’s a Jesus and live like you think God would want you to even if you don’t know for sure he exists and you’ll be glad you did. At the risk of oversimplification I want to address what appear to me to be massive errors in the wager.
While the idea is not without merit in a world of “scientifically-minded” spiritual nitwits, it is in my opinion a foolish proposition overall. It’s certainly not one that could be carried out fully in anyone’s life. A few of my arguments against it are as follows:
If you live your life only “as if there was a God” you’ll be in hell. You must have the Son to have God. Christianity isn’t some coin toss wager. It isn’t merely intellectual. I don’t think Pascal wanted this proposition to be an end in itself. I know that the proposition carries with it an invitation to working to convince oneself of the truth of it, etc. When people quote it today I doubt they imagine it to be a truly thorough apologetic. I don’t mean to oversimplify it entirely. But I do think we should stop using it. It reduces the Christian life down to something absurd. You may live a fake Christian life if your opinion of the Faith at all resembles a mere intellectual response to Pascal’s wager, but you will not live the Christian life that Jesus came to bring. That life comes through a transformation of all that we are.
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